The Protector

By: The Dude

Director: Prachya Pinkaew
Cast: Tony Jaa, Xing Jing, Nathan Jones, Jon Foo
Rating: 1 out of 5
 
Every few years or so, a top notch martial arts movie comes out that restores a man’s faith in one man’s ability to not only kick the bejesus out of everyone he meets, but also provide a quality acting performance, and credible storyline filming, stunts and special effects. The Protector ‘aint that movie.

A steaming heap of rubbish is what this, in fact, is. Bad acting, bad storyline, bad dialogue, bad casting – bad everything. It’s enough to turn a man off martial arts and Jean Claude Van Damme.

What this here sorry excuse for a movie concerns itself with – if you can believe this – is an elephant gets stolen in Thailand and transported to Sydney. Like, obviously there is a huge elephant market in Sydney, yeah? So the son of the elephant owner goes in search of revenge and gets into more random fights than an AFL player in Ireland.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good indiscriminate stoush. But there are some really badly developed characters here with major anger management issues. They shoulda just set the whole film in boxing ring, done away with the ludicrous elephant storyline, and had Tony Jaa punch the daylights out of everyone.

If the elephant thing wasn’t bad enough, imagine an Australia where every TV reporter and news reader was Thai and every cop was either, an old friend, from Thailand or could speak Thai.

I’m a man of simple pleasures and means. All I ask is for the major film studios to not treat me as a complete idiot, and do me the service of providing a credible storyline, fight choreography that wasn’t slapped together two minutes before the cameras rolled, realistic settings, and characters who have a purpose.

Respect where it’s due though, fellas. Tony Jaa is one helluva loose cannon. The man can fight, and realistically drop a fella twice his size. If speed, courage, skill and a sincere badass streak counted for anything, Jaa will win this year’s Oscar based on The Protector.

Unfortunately it don’t. So chances are, Woody Allen will win it.

If what you’re after is old school kung fu cinema with woeful acting and an incoherent story, then look no further. Want powerhouse acting? Get Bloodsport.

Verbatim:
Kham: “Where the hell is my elephant?”

In a word: Crap