The Lost Tomb of Jesus

By: The Dude

Director: Simcha Jacobovic
Narrator: Mark Cave
Rating: 1 out of 5

Once you've seen The Passion of the Christ, every other Jesus pales into insignificance. The file vision in this doco has a curly haired Jesus with a blue beauty-queen sash and a glowing appeal which is a far cry from the real Jesus – Jim Caviezel. This Jesus looks a little to much like Starsky to be taken seriously.

Now, you may be wondering why I've gone on a short rant about the Jesus in this here Jesus doco. Well, it's the most interesting thing to talk about really. Right from the get go, these so-called scientists admit to trying to find an apparently "lost" tomb that was first found in the '80s by some Israeli construction workers. So does that mean the tomb was simply misplaced.

Perhaps I should make my own doco called The Lost Keys of The Dude, because I misplaced them last week too. Now, I coulda sworn I put them on my desk, but turns out they were in the hall table drawer the whole time. I was tearin' the place apart looking for the things, when my mate says the second most stupid thing I've heard.

"Where did you leave them?" he says. I mean seriously?

"I left them in the hall table drawer, but though I'd look in the kitchen instead because the light is better in here," I wittily replied.

Upon finding them, my mate says the first most stupid thing: "Isn't it funny how they are always in the last place you look."

"No, it's not," I replied. "They are always going to be in the last place you look, because that's where you found them! It's not like a found them in the drawer 25 minutes ago, but thought I'd continue looking in a few other places because I was enjoying myself."

Admittedly, doing that would be at least on par enjoyment-wise as watching The Lost Tomb of Jesus. It's a bit like reading The Bible – it surprisingly gets your interest at the start, but it becomes a bit tedious.

Jacobovic tries to crank up the suspense when a blocked drain pipe stops the researcher's progress, but man, it's only a blocked drain pipe. What they really needed was some freakin' mummy to come staggerin' out o' the tomb once they got the thing opened. Or at the very least, have some three meter-high boulder chase them on the way out.

Even if just one of them had a whip, it would have been better.

Guess that's what happens with James Cameron and not Steven Spielberg is writing the cheques. I'm surprised Cameron didn't commission Celine Dion to write a long-winded theme song.

Verbatim:
Various scientists: "Is this it? Is this the tomb?"

 In a word: Monotonous