Eragon

By: The Dude

Director: Stefen Fangmeier
Cast: Edward Speleers, Jeremy Irons, Robert Carlyle, John Malkovich, Sienna Guillory
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Dude has got to get into this acting caper. I mean, you stand in front of a camera, say some lines that someone else wrote, get fed by professional caterers and get paid a ridiculous amount of money. So, it’s either acting or Penthouse Pet for me.
The money has to be outrageous, otherwise I can’t image why such a fine thespian as Being John Malkovich would even have walked past the set of Eragon, a B-grade kids movie about Puff the Magic Dragon and they little boy who rides him (sounds like The Never Ending Story).
Then there is Jeremy Irons too. I mean, this is the best cast gathered in a bad movie since Sir Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen signed up for BloodRayne. Now there was a shocker that had The Dude sat on the couch shaking his head. At any minute I expected a pool cleaner to come in and the whole thing descend into a porno.
Anyway, enough of that shocker and on to this one.
Eragon (that’s dragon with an ‘E’ for those playing at home) concerns itself with a bad king who killed all but one dragon, who then finds a kid who gets to keep the dragon because he found Willy Wonka’s golden ticket and then sailed on The Black Pearl to the world’s end, only to find the Statue of Liberty. Or some such thing. What would I know? I chucked it on one night and tried really hard to get through it. Upon awakening I thought I was watching a poor mans Star Wars meets Harry Potter meets Lord of the Rings, with a little homage to Narnia thrown in for good measure.
The Dude is conflicted on this. I like a good fantasy movie as much as I like a good chicken parma, and with an A-list cast on paper it seems like a sword and sorcery tale with plenty o’ magic. Unfortunately, it’s woeful. Go figure.

Verbatim:
Saphira: “Careful old man, only my voice is gentle.”
In a word: B-grade

Wife-o-metre: 1