Blood Diamond

By: Major Issues

Director: Edward Zwick
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, Djimon Hounsou,
Rating: 3 out of 5

Okay you slime covered pukes. Let me tell you that watching this Blood Diamond is like a sitting through an extended advertising campaign about the perils and pitfalls of recruiting children into the army!

Forget the atrocities of civil war. Forget the back handed dig at the fine people of America and their fortitude in purchasing diamonds from all over the world! Forget the latent attack on South Africans.
What this movie is really all about is how and why you should never send a boy to do a man’s job! My God man. Every wet behind the ears private in boot camp knows that.

So what happens when the hardworking rebels of Sierra Leone do just that? Well, the lads who are yet to sprout facial hair let them down is what happens. When they tip toe into battle armed with some of the finest Russian-made weapons known to man, all these boys want to do is swap Pokemon cards and give each other wet willies. And of course, when they see someone scrape their knee while diving into a foxhole, they start howling for their daddies to take them home. Unbelievable. Is there really any wonder these uprisings never take?

Listen up and listen good people. If you are ever going to overthrow the peace-loving government of some unknown African nation – and we all know that way down in the deep bowels of your soul where sunlight doesn’t enter that you dream of of doing just that – don’t go in with any soldiers under the age of 16.

And for the love of everything good and holy men… don’t ever get distracted by a female reporter, out to boost her flagging career with faded slogans like “I shoot with a camera, not a gun”. I don’t care if her name is Jennifer Connelly, lets see her Nikon save her with a platoon of 13-year-olds bearing down on her.
Attention!

Extras: Now, don’t you go snivelling to your mommies looking for her to wipe your nose with her apron over the fact there’s hardly any extras here, maggots. So, there’s only a director’s commentary. What else do you need? A recruitment video doesn’t need a making-of doco.

Verbatim:
Danny Archer: “In America, it's bling bling. But out here it's bling bang.”

In a word: Hardcore